Stay! Or don't...

For fresh fruit, go to mattipaasio.com

18.1.2013

Advice from a Joyce Fanatic to a Morrison Heretic


Roberto Bolaño, the man with no nationality, published his first book in 1984. It was a collaboration with a character called Antoni García Porta, and Google says the book was a novel. So far, all sounds well and extremely fishy, which is no surprise, considering who we're dealing with. Anyway, what we know, or might presume is possibly true, is the title of the book,

Consejos de un discípulo de Morrison
a un fanático de Joyce.


Feel free to use the Dada Button, the square in the upper right-hand corner of this page: it's like a magic potion that brings Tristan Tzara back to life. "Translate," it says, and does, from the mundane to the sublime in a split of a second.


Oh, Tristan, I missed you so today... it was something terrible. If only we had had a little chat about literature and the meaning of life and uptight little assholes with a  Napoleon complex and Joyce obsession to boot. You might have given me some hope.


It's time to face the music. Tristan is dead, but Google has managed to resurrect him, in spirit, at least, if not in flesh -- like a quivering hologram of Freddie Mercury or Michael Jackson, but way, way cheaper. For free, I believe, which I think is appropriate in the case of a crooked anarchist.


Hit the button now! Try, at least. You're gonna need it as this post regresses. Work in Regress, that's the title of my oeuvre.


Enough of me. Considering the title of Bolaño's first published book, I noticed one thing. It hints at a monologue, a one-way-street. The other party has taken an oath of silence, and kept it all these years... until today, when I received some feedback on my blog and posts on a site of Finnish dabblers in literature. And the writer is a Joyce fanatic, so much has been proven. The relation of yours truly to the Lizard King is somewhat more complicated.


I'm going to publish his private message here in its entirety, and in Finnish, so move your cursor close to the Dada Button. Here comes Nobody. Sue me, if it lightens up your Grimm cottage.



The Temple of Literature
as I like it.

Lahettaja: "Eeva"
Date: 2013-01-18 13:03:36
Aihe: Jouduin moderoimaan

Terve, CBGB

Kiitos nopeasta reagoinnista viestiini. En ole kuitenkaan varma, ymmärsitkö viestini oikein vai mitä tapahtui? Postauksesi Pyydän anteeksi... oli kirjallisuuden blogipäivitykseksi yhtä outo kuin edellinenkin. Tietenkin ongelma voi olla vastaanottajassakin.

Tämänaamuisen päivityksesi takia jouduin kuitenkin moderaattorin töihin. Olit nostanut toissailtaisen päivityksesi muokkaamalla julkaisupäivämäärää, samoin toisessa bloggauksessa. Tämä manipulointi on epäreilua kaikkia muita kirjoittajia kohtaan, ja rikkoo vertaisuuden periaatetta vastaan. Millä perusteella katsot, että sinun tekstisi ovat arvokkaampia kuin toisten? Miksi niitä pitäisi kohdella eri tavalla?

Siirsin postauksesi alkuperäisille julkaisupäiville. Hakkeroin myös ohjelmaa niin, ettei kirjoittaja pysty muuttamaan enää alkuperäistä julkaisupäivämäärää.

Jos sanon rehellisen mielipiteeni, niin ainakin tähän asti Kertomuksessa näkemissäni postaukesi ovat suurin piirtein roskapostin tasoa,  eivätkä ne ainakaan toimi positiivisena herättäjinä omaan blogiisi. Toivottavasti jatkossa seuraa parempaa.

[Editor's Note: If Dada has trouble with that paragraph, it's understandable - the author has let her anger affect her grammar. Which is fucked up.]

terveisin: "Eeva Joenpelto" [The name has been changed to protect the pseudonym the Lady is using. Joenpelto was a real writer, who published her work under her Christian name. - Ed.]

ylläpito

kertomus.fi



More mundane crap in Finnish here - but, alas, no Dada Button. WWI is yet to come.

If the link is dead, then Guthrie, I mean Eeva, is really, really angry with me. I'm banned from the site, probably. You do not make fun of her, or James Joyce for that matter, period. You do not make fun at all, when it comes to Lit-torture.






15.1.2013

Brain Drenched in Piss



"AFTER DOWNING SOME SIX LITERS OF WATER IN THE THREE HOURS IN THE "HOLD YOUR WEE FOR A WII" (NINTENDO GAME CONSOLE) CONTEST, JENNIFER STRANGE VOMITED, WENT HOME WITH A SPLITTING HEADACHE, AND DIED FROM SO-CALLED WATER-INTOXICATION."



This is a crash course on propaganda. Shut up and read.




PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU PU 

TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI TI 

N N N .

The brain has little room for expansion, so, when filled with water, your head basically just

explodes, explains M. Amin Arnaout, chief of nephrology at Massachusetts General Hospital

and Harvard Medical School.

He also warns of the rapid and severe rush of pee to the brain, which may prove just

as fatal as the water overdose, but only to the folks around the kusipää*, while the fucker

 himself goes on feeling like a million bucks, urinating vile words, tossing quicklime




in the eyes of his brothers and sisters, blinding them in the process.






 Life is not fair.
BUT...

* = Kusipää (Finnish) is close to  an asshole  in English, -

word-to-word translation


being, "The One with Pee in His Head."





12.1.2013

Happiness for Real


is a daughter getting the semi-retired all worked up over a singing contest on TV, The Voice of Finland, and then, as the last number is a biker woman doing a tolerable version of "Whole Lotta Rosie," Dad may reveal deep beneath his hoodie and Seattle flannel a Bon Scott tee,

 "Guess who sang that one first?"

And later on at the store when he's asking the pretty blonde cashier after some Smurf candy nobody's ever heard of - at home I'm set straight once again, they're chocolate, not candy - they disapprove of the whole Angry Birds craze instead, how it's gotten out of hand, the children getting all violent and stuff, yes, I work at a daycare center - there, then, Elton John is singing "Daniel" in the loudspeakers, between the corridors, wherever. And I get a hold of one good thing to remember my latest last ex by.

I laughed at that song when she first played it to me. Praised Jesus for it now. The lightness of being no longer anywhere near unbearable. Quite the opposite.



The Artist...


... and the Romantic of the Family...


... in a battle within, yet they sleep side by side.


Why worry? It's the kids who pay for it in the end.
(And pay and pay and pay...)


 Listen to "Daniel."


And if Reetta, the girl from the store, reads this,
I want to thank you again for the Birds - 
you wrote at least a third
of this entry!
(A broken puzzle is of no use for anyone.)

10.1.2013

A Poem Written while Being Mighty Smitten


(with Miina, of course)



A white paw, plenty of claw
touches my jaw, "Sir, you are a bore.
Sleep some more,

and you will reach, I'll see to that,
the core of gore,
hear the kittens roar.

Wake up, dude,
and gimme some food!"





Love,

Mattson




7.1.2013

Poliittinen teatteri





Lavastus yhdentekevä. Esittäjät yhdentekeviä, kunhan heitä on monta. Toiminta yhdentekevää: näyttelijät voivat röhnöttää sohvalla, valmistaa päivällistä, ruokailla, rakastella, kohentaa kuntoaan, yrittää itsemurhaa, käyttää huumeita, aloittaa alusta, ampua jousella, mitä tahansa. Tärkeintä on, että kaikki hokevat yhtä ja samaa niin kauan kunnes viimeinenkin katsoja on lähtenyt salista.

KAIKKI
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo!
Hyvinvointivaltion alasajo.
...

Ja niin edelleen. Vaihtoehtoinen lopetus: esittäjät kyllästyvät kukin vuorollaan hokemaansa ja lähtevät kotiinsa. Katsojat saavat poistua, kun parhaaksi näkevät. Narikkalapulla saa väärän takin. Selitys: "Se takki oli sinua varten mutta vietiin pois, kun sinä istua kökötit etkä tehnyt mitään. Se takki on kadonnut ikiajoiksi. Annettu köyhille lapsille. Hyvää illanjatkoa!"


LOPPU


Huomio! Kohtaus liitetään osaksi näytelmää Lajittele tämä puunhalaaja, kohtaan, jossa Valvoja on saapunut näyttämölle. Muut esittävät yllä kuvatun Valvojalle, joka keskeyttää esityksen sopivassa kohtaa, toteaa: "Ymmärrän. Oikein hyvä. Mä tykkäsin. Mitäs muuta te ootte puuhastelleet." Kohtaus jatkuu kuten kirjoitettu on, Valvoja siis lukee paperista jne.




Tekijä haluaa kiittää innoituksesta - yllä esitetyn fantasian kohteen lisäksi tietenkin - erityisesti Pää kii -yhtyeen kahta jäsentä, jotka esiintyivät omaperäisesti ja hauskasti puoli yhdeksän uutisissa maanantaina 7.1.2013.

3.1.2013

A Letter to the Editors



Thank you for an excellent magazine! Number 15 was the first issue of n+1 that I had the joy of holding in my shaky hands.

First and foremost I want to thank Mikhail Shishkin for his bizarre, heartbreaking excerpt of Maidenhair. Although I was a little shocked, as I discovered he had picked up a subject I thought was mine, and mine only.

I wrote the following on The Independence Day of Finland, 6 December, nearly a month before #15 landed on my floor on New Year's Eve.


Pope's Thing
and the Gays of Vienna

- A Play in One Attac -
by Matti Paasio

/

Forest of the impaled: 20 000 stakes driven through human bodies, the other end stuck to the ground. Some remains hang higher, some lower. Every one in an advanced stage of decomposition.

An empty bottle rolls to the stage. Enter VLAD and MATTHIAS. The latter is high, or drunk, or both.

MATTHIAS  Gimme some.
VLAD   Haven't got any.
MATTHIAS No.
VLAD  You got it.
MATTHIAS  You did.
VLAD  You did.
MATTHIAS Don't need much. Just a teeny weeny bit, a little taste is all I'm asking...
VLAD  You. You. You.
MATTHIAS Hey hey hey...
VLAD  Cocksucker.
MATTHIAS Hey, hold your horses. Calm down, man. Easy, man, easy does it. Who do  you think paid for last night? Eh? Man, it was awesome! Lemme ax you a  question...
VLAD  (looking around) We barely got started.
MATTHIAS  What's inside of 16 pale virgins, when you open 'em up, one after  another...?
VLAD  What?
MATTHIAS  Take the Russians, Turks if you must. What's inside? Open 'em, like a letter,  and...
VLAD  Yeah.
MATTHIAS  Pope's pennies.
VLAD  What?
MATTHIAS  It's a conundrum. A mystery wrapped inside a riddle within a labyrinth. He  was here, in spirit, at least, and cash, and now he's gone. With the wind. As  is his mind, evidently, so is his money. What should we do?
VLAD  Take him down? Put him up?
(They consider this.)
MATTHIAS  No.
VLAD  Why not? I'd love to see his saggy powdered face turn purple red as we  inched the pole into his uptight high strung old maiden asshole. Safer than  his safe, it must be, and just as highly regarded. Guarded, I mean.
MATTHIAS  No. I don't think it's a good idea.
VLAD  Why not?
MATTHIAS Finns wouldn't like it.
VLAD Excuse me?
MATTHIAS Their leader is a Catholic. The Finns? The Northern Allies...
(Vlad gets more confused every second.)
Never mind. Come on, let's go. We'll figure out something. Come! There are  great things ahead of us.
VLAD  You sure?
MATTHIAS Sure I'm sure! They'll talk about us some day. Sing songs, get together...  because of this.
VLAD  Forget it. You, maybe. They'll remember you... a king, a philosopher.
(Matthias goes, walking backwards.)
A philosopher king. Can't even say it. Me, I'm just a bricklayer... a gardener,  really.  I tend the forest.
(Exit MATTHIAS.)
The forest of my own making, the forest of my dreams. Can you even see it  from up there? You fly so high... like a raven. A raven king. Who likes too see  things diminish. Get smaller, vanish. Me, I like to see things grow. Like the  Pope, for instance. If I  could just see, witness his composure being  shattered by the stake. The truth.  Pushed up so high it comes outta  his mouth.
(Spits.) All right. Enough of this.
(Vlad wipes his mouth on his sleeve, follows Matthias. Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCa9BBVeTjo.         Fade to black.)